Remember: Constructive! This is a Fantasy war book, with LOTS of blood and gore, Themed around Religious and Political Conflicts, bringing in both Moral and Ideological background. Also, no fantasy races (other than skeletons), however, there is magic. Realize that this is a WORK IN PROGRESS. I will update the OP as i write the story Note: ANY relations that may be drawn WHATSOEVER to prejudice in real life (i.e. Villains being Polytheistic, Heroes being Monotheistic) are JUST PLOT DEVICES. No real-life correlations other than certain cultural Influences have been taken. This book is from TWO points of view. Aben Captain Marcus Amerasan, and Blood Legion Captain Nerun Malkovar. Hope you enjoy! ok, this book, i'm gonna say, has TONS of backstory, but rather than tell all the backstory, the premise is, There is a war starting on the Continent of Baska (Bah-Skah) between the two sides, A Monotheistic Kingdom called Abengarten (Ah-Ben-Garden), It's Allies, And The Brutal Polytheistic Semi-Nomadic Military State known as the Blood Legion, and it's Allies. Now a little about them, since the whole story is about them anyway. The Kingdom of Abengarten is Ruled by King Afred (Not Alfred) IV Abenar (Ah-Bee-Nar), and is an Absolute Monarchy. It uses a Feudal system, in which cities are governed by nobles. Abengarten is a Mountainous region, and the capital, Abengarten is nestled between the Ahros and Zartos Mountains, where the Aben river flows to the Western Ocean. The People of Abengarten (Abens) believe in one god, Aben, and their allies also believe in Aben. Years before the Story Takes place, Aben has already navigated the known world (similair to the Romans, but Abengarten didn't completely Fall). Now, to the fun guys. The Blood Legion. Coming from a Harsh, desolate region in the east called Nebelon (Neh-Beh-Lon), The Blood Legion was forged by Blood Lord Nexus out of a Nomadic tribe called the Iron Wolves. The Blood legion functions as a Militaristic Theocratic Triumverate, Governed by the 3 Blood Lords, Nexus (The First and most powerful), Melekor (Mell-Ach-Or) (Nexus' Apprentice), and Ugrak (oog-rack) (A Savage Warrior). The Blood Legion is a 100% military State, and relies on Slave Labor for all of its workforce. It has never lost a war, and is not ready to lose one. They worship a Polytheistic Pantheon of Gods, known as the Blood Faith. Ruled principally by Ull (ool), The King of Erebus (both heaven and hell), their pantheon is the single most important thing in their lives. They Sacrifice Regulary, and in brutal ways, as you will see. The Blood Legion's Allies are their fellow Nomads from the wastes of Nebelon. The Blood legion has 4 cities, all holy, the rest are army camps. A Map of the World Now, on to the Story. Chapter 1: The Battle Of Cerlin and the Coming of War It was a warm midsummer morning. the birds had just come out in the beautiful stone city of Cerlin, in Western Abengarten. However, if one would look past the birds and stone, they would see a city afire, stacks of smoke reaching to the very gates of heaven. It is here we join two soldiers, on two different sides, fighting in a war that would last 40 years, and change the fate of the world. Nerun approached the siege camp. He walked up to the guard. The guard said to him "Welcome, soldier. Gods grant you many kills today." He said. Performing the Legion Salute, a fist to the chest then an open out-facing palm on the head, to Nerun. Nerun Saluted, and said "To you too, my brother.". Nerun entered the Camp, approaching the Commander's Tent. The tent echoed with coughs and the chatter of soldiers, The laughs of the soldiers counting skulls on racks, the cries of pain of prisoners being executed. He could hear the burning of campfires, and prisoner pyres, he could hear war dogs barking, and the flaps of tents waving in the breeze. He opened the front flap into the commander's tent. "General Talkai?" He said. The Commander looked up at him, his bald head glistening. "Ah, Nerun Malkovar. You must be the new captain Lord Melekor told me about. Please, please sit." he said, pointing to a chair. Nerun took off his hood and sat down, revealing his short black hair and black goatee. "Alright, Nerun. Welcome to the camp, we are about to press the Aben defenses, and our Burning boar allies, along with the black snakes will be assisting us." Talkai pointed to a map of Cerlin. "In the East. the Black Snake will rush through the bridges and streets, wiping out the Market Quarter. In The North, The Burning Boar will sweep through the Civic Quarter, killing all they find. We will charge the Military Quarter, where the brunt of their army is located. After that, we will converge on the palace, Sacrifice the lord of Cerlin, sack the city, and await further orders, got it?" "Yes, sir. When do we move?" Nerun Responded "Tonight. at 9:00. At that time, All Erebus will break lose. Until then, gods walk with you." Talkai Saluted "Ikh Ya (and you)" Nerun Saluted, walking out of the tent. Marcus Approached the battle line, on the south side of the military quarter. "What in Aben's name is going on?!" he yelled. "S-Sir.....the B-Blood L-Legion...T-They...J-Just..J-Just look at the Walls." A soldier said, frightened. Marcus looked up at the wall, the words AKU BALAKH, IKU (Face Judgement, Heretic) were written in blood, heads hung from the walls. "Oh, My Aben...The Sick Bastards!" he exclaimed. "those were good men! they had families! Those Blood legion dogs are going to feel wrath for this...this mostrousity!" Marcus Punched the wall, his heavy hand bleeding from the stone, his short black hair in a mess. He walked back to the Palace Quarter where the Commanders had taken up camp. He heard coughs, gags, crying children, women, and men, he saw men, arms severed, skinned, some barely recognizable, being carried to the grave by medics. He approached the General's Tables. "Father. General Suliar, General Kaitar, General Morfan." "Ah, my son. We were just planning out our next move!" Lord Morendai said. "Ah, yes, we will evacuate the Soldiers and Nobility first, then the Peasants." General Kaitar Said, Stroking his long white beard "yes, then we will arm the peasants to provide distraction!" General Morfan Said, Feeling his Small Black Mustache "Then, we will escape back to the capital, and no one important will die!" General Suliar said, scratching his bald head and shaved beard. "that's sickening! you see what the legion does! The Peasants will get massacred! how could you even suggest a tactic like that! our people need us!" Marcus interrupted "THE PLEBS BE DAMNED!" Suliar Shouted, slamming his fist on the planning table. "WE ARE THE DEFENDERS OF THIS NATION, AND WE ARE GOING TO SURVIVE THIS! So what if some useless farmers die, it's not our fault." "then who's is it? Theirs? Aben's? No, it's no one's fault that they're farmers. but we shouldn't let them die!" Marcus Exclaimed "Son, i think you should leave." Morendai said, Authoritively "But I-" "No. We will talk about this later." Marcus Stormed out of the tent, bitter, angry, and confused.
Excellent! I approve, massively. this has convinced me to post my own Novel One complaint i have is, you should have the transition between sentences a bit more smooth.
Making maps in MS Paint is completely banned when it comes to writing a novel. In fact, it should only be cover art and not thought into. Unless you are very creative and have a lot of experience writing creative pieces, make it orbit around one protagonist. It's strenuous to have two perspectives and cut between them. Instead of sticking a back story out there, ideally you want a brief description and then let the reader pick it up as he/she reads further through the novel. If you are going for making the reader take ideology and morality into account, try to plant some symbolism into it. Let it manifest in the reader's mind as opposed to just sticking it out there. Try not to have nearly as much speech. Do not invent your own language. Spend more time setting the scene. Correct spelling and grammar errors, you have a lot. Expand your vocabulary. I don't read much shit like the Warhammer 40K lore, but I'm guessing that's what you're going for. Go read that. I've tried to appear constructive, but it was terrible. You might want to try doing an AAR first, as I find that they are similar to your passage, but at least they have a basis to write about and develop.
Transitions could be smoother, yeah I'll work on that. Also, the backstory & map are not actually part of the novel, they're just there so people will know with is going on. As for wh40k being what I'm going for, actually what I am going for is the brutality of Warhammer, the deepness and immersion of Tolkien with a darker twist As for spelling and grammar errors,I usually have little to none, but I was half asleep, I'll fix that tomorrow As for the language, the only constructed lanuage (Blood Runes) will only be used in small bits of sentences and by one of the blood lords (Who only speaks it) @Toast your critique has been noted @Skyicewolf thanks!
It seems you have quite a bit of passion and are very steadfast in your desire to write a novel. However, I beg you: go here (http://www.hatrack.com/writingclass/index.shtml) before you continue. Read some of it, go over your work, and revise it. You need to work on your grammar and syntax, and there are a fair amount of awkward sentences and narrative holes (not relating to the fact that this is only the first chapter, just some of the narration conflicts with the characters' actions). Read the link, rewrite the chapter, and come back, you'll want multiple drafts of everything before you finish.
Like i said, it's a work in progress. The errors, grammatical and spelling weren't because I have a lack of knowledge of writing. they were, like I said already, things I overlooked. I am in the process of correcting the errors, like I said I'd do. However, still, thank you for reading
You randomly capitalize non-proper nouns with way too much frequency. Additionally, as Toast has already said, don't invent your own language. It's entirely unnecessary and unless you've actually studied linguistics or taken a few years of a foreign language, it will be garbage. Regarding the narrative itself, I can say that you're aiming too high, and not just in the sense that you're trying to do something beyond your ability. Epic works (what you claim to aspire to, only in prose form) are lifelong projects that require a lot of time, effort, and study to make worthwhile. I assume from your syntax and lexical choice that you're probably in middle school, which means that you're simply incapable of producing, or even aspiring to produce an epic. And just from the level of experience and accumulated knowledge you likely have, I'd doubt that you can address a political or religious theme in a unique or interesting way. I mean really, no offense, but you're a kid. It seems you're interested in the sword and sorcery genre, so I'd advise reading lots of novels from that genre (not just the classics, either) before you go producing independent literature. All that said, I'd advise you to seek professional help over at www.webook.com, where you can submit your work to people who write creatively for fun and profit.
No, i'm not in Middle School, and lol yes i do have a habit of capitalizing unnecessarily. I see now this was not a good thing to post, if there is a way this thread can be removed, please do it. Edit: I just want to make it clear that I'd like this thread removed if possible not because I can't take the criticism, but because I would like to take it back, flesh it out, and then put it back up once Ive worked out the kinks and problems
